So... I've been working on this comic for a couple of months pretty hard core. pulling 13 hour days. Art just takes so much time. Not enough time for extra gigs... and all the while trying to keep my familial and social relationships alive. It is hard. SO incredibly hard to be successful and balanced. I've been able to go to the gym a few times a week, but man, it's so hard. It's hard to be alone all of the time. It's easy to be alone all of the time. Its physically and mentally hard to sit in one place for 13 hours. ... and yet it's easy to sit alone for 13 hours and focus on this. It is all so easy and so hard. I wonder if there weren't other variables to interact with, if I could just focus on this project and sit for longer. But I think part of the thing that makes me who I am are the people I surround myself with. The playful, the intellectuals, the creatives, the focused. Part of what makes me feel unballanced is not interacting with them regularly or interacting too much with one group over another. Spending too much time doing one thing over another... just stales my creativity. Spending too much time playing over working. Spending too much time working out over socializing. The greatest obstacle is my own interest in a variety of things. I find myself currently surrounded by humans with only one or two interests and I feel like i'm limiting myself. I often feel like an alien on this planet, like I try very hard to, but I really don't belong. I really don't fit in. And perhaps I spend too much time trying to fit in, rather than being myself... and it is frustrating me on a level i've never experienced before. I keep changing but i find others around me don't change. Where do I fit in when i'm surrounded by those stuck in their own stagnant happiness. that's not a judgement, rather than an observation. if x, y & z make a person happy and they just do x y & z and they are happy... that's great. But I like to do a, b & c.. AND x y & z. and maybe i've never tried s, e or p.. and when i do, i find that makes me happy too. I guess I feel limited because everyone around me only wants to do x, y & z so i just do x, y & z... and i get this overwhelming feeling of unsatisfaction. I feel like I have to comprimise my life to be able to do things those around me want to do. This feeling makes me sad and depressed... tho i'm not a depressed person. i'm not a sad person. and the older i get the more i find people who just want to be comfortable in their few interests. who prefer to be safe in what they already know. So.. I don't feel like i'm being honest with myself. I feel like i'm not being true to myself. I know i'm a vibrant open human being. I know i'm not an alien. I need to keep reminding myself about this.
Today i'm more at peace with myself than i have been in a while. I was shown great generosity from someone, and I have a hard time asking for help or admitting i need help, and as someone who often helps others it really humbled me, because I didn't expect that level of kindness. It made me realize I haven't been relaxed or at peace with myself in a while. I haven't been able to see the world like I usually do. The world has been getting small around my brain making me feel insignificant and alone. But it's not. It is big and amazing and beautiful and for every shitty thing posted of facebook there are a dozen people doing good things in the world. For every shitty abuse a predator forces on a person, there are a dozen humans who have overcome and help others. So... today i am less cinical.
Today I CHOOSE to be less cinical. I choose to not let my baggage overwhelm me. I choose to not let the suffering and ache of the world overwhelm me.
And i leave you with this: