These past couple of months have been such a beautiful forward momentum whirlwind of fantasticness. ... and here's why:
Suddenly I woke up. I realized that I wasn't being true to myself. I was trying to fit in to places that I thought I was supposed to be. I woke up and realized I didn't enjoy the way things were and rather than continuing to complain about it and be so depressed that it was effecting my health I literally slapped myself in the face and made myself remember why I LOVE being alive. You only know that you live once. I made myself remember all of the things that used to tantalize me and realized that just because those in my immediate circle might not feel as passionately about these things doesn't mean I should not be true to myself and get back on path.
Things i'm passionate about:
Movies, Dungeons and Dragons, Games (of all kinds, d20, rpg, board,puzzles), Fitness, vitamin science, nutrition, Longevity, Science/SciFi Theories, Theology, Philosophy, Other people's life stories & experiences, Mythology, Conspiracy Theories, Drawing, Art styles and how personal experience develops ones art style, Underwater travel & Space Travel, what drives human beings... I'm sure there are more but those are what's on the front of my mind right now.
I hate feeling Preachy and I hope I don't come off that way. I really love sharing my happiness with others and I hope they see that i'm just sharing, not bragging, not gloating, simply sharing my experiences. Some people get happy with me and some think i'm up to something or hiding something. There isn't anything to hide. I love life. I love people. I've been handed a pretty thick load of baggage my entire childhood but rather than let it eat my life away and have pitty parties and effect the rest of my life with "why me?" or "why did it have to be that way?" or even "Why wasn't it different" I now say "I am a sum of my current actions". I'm glad I got the "Self" tattoo when I was young. It reminds me that sometimes its good to remember that you are the most important person in your world. Not in a selfish way, but in a true to life kind of way. I live for charity and giving. It makes me so happy to give but I can not give if I am not taking care of myself first. We tend to forget the line between Furthering-ones-self and selfishness.
I was told I was selfish by my mother year after year, not learning really what that meant. She didn't explain what she meant by that. Selfish: chiefly concerned with one's own interests ESP to the total exclusion of the interests of others. I find this interesting. I know through life and experience that you can only truly give when you are in a complete and whole state. Getting to that state takes a lot of self reflection, a lot of time concerned with your own interest. The second part of the definition is what I call a personal judgement from another view. One thinks another person is selfish because they don't feel that their needs are getting met from them. This in turn is a "selfish" remark. The second person isn't taking the first persons needs (to help themselves) into consideration. This is how miscommunication and hurt comes about. Our inability to fully communicate with one another. I'm learning about this through therapy. It is one of the most valuable lessons i've ever learned! There should be a whole class on this yearly in elementary schools. SO MANY negative feelings and hurt could be avoided if we could all communicate fully.
One of the ways to do this is through the Toltec 4 agreements. I bring this up once or twice a year but I feel that it is very important to revisit. I often loose my way and find myself feeling attacked and reacting defensively even though there is no need.
The Four Agreements are:
1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
People say and do things out of their own experiences and reactions. Perhaps someone you love makes a snyde comment, it might be them projecting. Listen to them and ask them questions to find out how they really feel vs their defense that they've been creating their whole lives.
3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Don't assume someone is feeling or thinking a certain thing, you might be projecting. Its always better to speak honestly and find the truth of the matter. Your imagination may just make things worse. Ask questions and truly listen to the answers to avoid misunderstanding.
4. Always Do Your Best
Do your best, not better than your best, not less than your best. Know your boundaries (even if you have to test them from time to time). It is in the knowing that you can best succeed.
These 4 agreements, or 4 truths, are very simple ways to look at the world. Practicing them isn't as hard as one might think. But like everything you have ever done in life, it takes practice. Awareness and practice. The more you practice with others the more they will pick it up. We all learn from one another even if we don't realize it. We have been learning from one another since the day we were born. We are a part of our experiences. We also have the choice to be the person we always wanted to be. Any doubt is a defensive reaction to fear and you should probably find out where that comes from. Only then you can you give to others wholly.
In this reflection i've made my decision: I travel along a specific path. A personal path and should people wish to walk beside me I welcome them. Should our paths parallel, I walk next to you and hope our path together is long. If our paths veer from one another I cherish the time I got to walk with you and hope our paths meet again. I wish you well on your path. Life is a very personal experience and the tighter we hold on to another and fight against our own nature & path the harder things become. Listen to your universe. Follow your own path and enjoy those around you while they are there.
"You get what anyone gets, you get a lifetime." - Neil Gaiman (Death: The high cost of living)