I am - A Rambling

So, I just got done reading David Mack's book Kabuki: The Alchemy and am satisfied, fulfilled, stimulated, recharged and ready to move forward. I guess sometimes things come into your life at the exactly right time it is supposed to. I don't believe in missed opportunities. I believe that things happen exactly as they are supposed to happen. Not all things that happen are good things, but not all things that happen are bad things either. 

Lately I've been in a massive funk with my life change. I've closed the doors on my life as a pornstar/fetish model. Really the superficial career of model/actress was just a challenge I offered myself when I was bored with my life, giving opportunity to a reality that some people dream about. I hate wondering "What if"... i'm more of a "oh that's what that's like" kind of person.

But where do I go now? Is it as simple as closing one door and opening another? Nothing is ever that black and white. There are so many variables. Time and age is now a big one for me where it has never effected my actions before. How DO you reinvent yourself? Do you let go of the person you were? Do you let it help you become the next chapter of you? I think I fear letting go sometimes. I fear success. Real success, the kind you have to work for and really show people what's inside. Porn was easy. Just because I had sex on camera and showed the world what my neither regions look like doesn't mean people could see inside me. "I" was my mask, hiding behind the lean muscle and rigorous workout routine.

One of my favorite quotes: "A smile's a lie". Sometimes true, sometimes a smile is a smile... My point is that I didn't let anyone see who I was inside. Through interviews I gave people ideas as to my values and reasons to my actions, but I was never really able to communicate to people the way I really wanted to... and at the same time I didn't realize what alternate message I was sending out to people. If I SAY I am a polyamerous Sensualist nymphomaniac who values communication and negotiation people instantly assume I want to have sex with any and everyone and that I believe everyone should be the same way which is NOT true. It is also assumed that I have always been this way and will always be this way. The truth is that I'm just not like that anymore. My values have changed, my look on life and sex and love has changed... my priorities have changed.

...Because we all go through our own personal evolution. The next adventure of my life: family and a supportive career.

Am I ashamed for what I did in the industry? No way. I had a GREAT time.

Will I go back? No, my life is about art now.

Do I look down on my friends in the Industry? NO WAY. Everyone Does what they do for their own reasons and is IS a lot of fun when it's fun...

Have you ever heard of the TOLTEC Agreements? It is something to think about on your way to your own personal ZEN. There's the 10 commandments on how to live. There's the teachings of Buddha and other common sense ways of how to live and treat others.

The 4 Toltec Agreements have simplified it. 

1. Be Impeccable with your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Communicate with others clearly so you can avoid misunderstandings.

4. Always Do Your Best
Never give more than you can and Never give less that you are capable. 

Life isn't perfect. Your emotions and hormones ebb and flow throughout your life. Sometimes you are at your highest peak and then crash down to your lowest lows forgetting all about how you got so high. Maybe its to remind you why being up so high felt so good. Sometimes it's good to feel both extremes but you have to remember how to pick yourself up again. This is what i'm doing.. and it's not easy. Sometimes the lure of glamour or money try to pull me back into it. Sometimes I fear If I work out and get healthy and beautiful again I'll fall back into the lazy modeling game. Don't get me wrong, I worked hard to get my "name" out and get gigs and when you model or act/pornographai you put a whole lot of energy out there to get your feeling across... but it's not the same as writing a book, or painting or digging a ditch. These are all my personal thoughts. I'm not saying one is better than another... I'm just saying that in my reality I can only be satisfied by making art...

ramble ramble.

Thanks for listening, I needed to get that off my chest. It's easy writing funny things about recreational items... A bit more complex getting what's in my head out...